i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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