i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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