i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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