Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
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