rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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