you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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