Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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