Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
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