Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
