His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
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