I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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