im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
