My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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