Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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