using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
