Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
If I die, sorry about rent.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I think people are normalizing furries
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
