Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
