so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
