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I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
