I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
