hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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