Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
