We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
try to milk me bitch
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
