He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Randomize
