Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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