I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
