My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize