Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
