My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
