If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
