So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Say something about gay babies.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
