The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
