I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
