I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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