I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize