I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
