You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
