i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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