he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
