A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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