It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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