I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
