i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
