3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
