So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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