No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
