naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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