Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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