anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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