jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
