I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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