Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
