mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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