I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
they need to just BURY HIM!
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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