my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
