Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Randomize
