There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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