I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
